Volume 1: Psychology, Anxiety, Girl Troubles and More.

If I could go back and do it all again, I would - but I'd go to one of those American college/universities you see on TV, where you have to take a "major" in one subject, and a "minor" or "elective" in another. This is because I really want to study both psychology and game design, owing to the feeling I have so far aquired a half-arsed understanding of both - game design from my experiences and reading over the past few years, and psychology from the reflection and experiences and revelations of dealing with my various mental issues.

Anxiety in particular is fascinating. I have a chronic anxiety problem, which basically means I used to be scared of a whole bunch of random things. It was a little more complex than that alone, admittedly, but thats what it came down to. I became severely and dangerously depressed not only because of this, but because I didn't understand it, or even acknowledge it - it seemed that the world was a confusing, scary place that I didn't feel like I was cut out for. My theory on this is that I would get these random attacks of anxiety and, since I was used to believing that everything I felt emotionally was the result of an external stimulus of some kind, I would attach that anxiety to what I was seeing/experiencing/thinking. Thus I developed "an issue" with a lot of things - most critically sex, girls, and friendships (in that order) because, from the ages of 12-21, that's all that was in my head.

I've come to this thinking because now, having been through a course of anti-depressants and done some very serious hard work in dealing with my issues, I still have these attacks of anxiety, especially when I'm stressed or under pressure, but I am able to detach them from the events that may or mat not have brought them on - in other words, while anxiety might be fairly normal and healthy reaction to times of stress and worry, mine tends to fire off in all directions instead of being triggered at the right times. Now I sometimes just have these random fits of anxiety which, although more common in times of stress and worry - crop up at times when they really shouldn't. I panic when seeing friends, when invited out for a drink, or when going to work. I can see how, in the past, I might have, in the absence of physical evidence for any reason to feel like this, attached this panic to a phantom concept of something to panic about - leading to the paranoia, self-doubt and self-loathing that led to my depression.

Woody Allen pointed out in his movie Manhattan that he never had a "girls are icky" stage in growing up, and neither did I. While I haven't yet sunk to the level of running away with my step-daughter, I have to admit I have a lot of issues with women, and I can't help but wonder if there's a connection.

The human brain - and emotion in particular - are amazing things. Its this that makes me want to study psychology at times.